Road Rules: The First Installment

12 days on the road. 1,700+ miles traveled and lots more to go. Here are some nuggets of wisdom from our prepubescent voyage (in no particular order):

USE THE LADIES RESTROOM: It has been scientifically proven that ALL female facilities are 3X cleaner and pleasant-smelling than their male counterparts.

SNARKY T-SHIRTS + CUBS HAT = FRIENDS EVERYWHERE: It's true. As a variant of "slug bug," try sporting the aforementioned combination and count how many people come up and talk to you unsolicited.

EXTREME COOLER IS A MUST: What keeps food and frosty beverages colder longer than the extreme cooler (2" insulation all around this bad boy - boom what's happenin')? NOTHING y'all. Add couple bags of ice every other day or so and you are dialed in. Oh, "pee" your cooler as necessary.

PROPER FOOTCARE IS A MUST: I highly recommend ankle socks and shoes for prolonged trips such as these. Cracked heels are no fun - believe that:

RESPECT BREAKFAST: Most important meal of the day - eat it. Apropos the nature of the meat served at Denny's: some mysteries were never meant to unfurled.

PARK IN THE SHADE: Triple digit temperatures mean business - you should too...

DOUBLE-CHECK YOUR MILK SHAKES: It should take ample forefinger strength to stir your milk shake upon acquisition. Accept no soupy alternatives.

I HEREBY DUB YOU "MISSION CONTROL": Consolidate your most important belonging into a backpack. Call this backpack "Mission Control" and don't take flight without it.

"REHEAT" YOUR CLOTHING THEN WASH THOROUGHLY: That's right...we got the funk.

Enjoy 50 Cent: No, not the thuggish, ruggish rapper, the ice cream cone. Chambers of Commerce everywhere take heed. Want travelers to stop at your interstate interchange? The 50 cent ice cream cone is indubitably the most viscious "shank" in your marketing scabbard.

STARDATE 2007: The future is here. And with it are a couple more things to consider the proliferation of ubiquitous: Wireless Internet, Californians, and Rednecks.

More later...